regarding his name
by reminiscent-afterthought
Summary: The name Natsuki Subaru is a curse.


**A/N:** Written for the Diversity Writing Challenge, b53 - write a fic that includes every letter of the alphabet at least three times

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 **regarding his name**

The name Natsuki Subaru is a curse.

There are sublime messages: from his classmates, his teachers, and in his videos and TV shows and video games. There are whispers in the shadows no-one but he can hear, sent through alien receivers or quantum waves or some other frequency unfathomable to a normal human mind. If he'd been part of the age that still listened to the radio, he'd hear them there as well, probably. Not that he needed extra. His name was already a constant echo: repeated over and over and other gibberish he'd long since decided was a summoning chant.

He's well versed in the fantasy world, after all. He drowns in it. He's drowned in it since he's stopped drowning in everything else: his teachers, the others students – the heavy stares of society's expectations of him. The fantasy world became his escape and now it's a prison he can't quite get out of, because there's that sweet honey voice calling him no matter where he goes.

Even if he goes on technology blackout, the shadows speak to him and shadows are the most frightening of them all. He can't block them out even if he floods his room with light because there's always a corner: under the bed or in the closet or at the corner of his desk or just _somewhere_ where he can't quite get the shadows to stay out of and so they take up camp right there –

They're always calling, and he wonders if they're a cute girl for his wet dreams or a damsel in distress for his manly pride or a witch who can only make use of his rotten core…

Well, it doesn't really matter, when they repeat his name and those endless syllables of gibberish like a siren call and curse.

Nobody else hears it. He's asked and looked for reactions and now he just keeps it to himself because it always brings other looks and he hates those. His parents' concern and pity. His classmates' scorn. His teachers… well, they must be somewhere in between but he's long since stopped looking up to them.

They all think he's gone crazy, even if they don't always say it to his face and chant his name like it's some mantra instead. And maybe he has gone crazy, though he's sure there are rules to that as well. Isn't it the cardinal one, that says a crazy person lacks the insight to know they are?

Maybe they've stopped bothering. His parents still do but no-one else as far as he can tell, save the shadows. At school there are teachers and students and maybe they've stopped mentioning him there. Struck his name off the roll, so he doesn't exist anymore. That would be the sensible thing to do. If his name isn't there, then neither is the curse, right?

Though whether they did or didn't doesn't change the fact that his name _is_ a curse. People only say it if they want something from him. Shadows only spit it out because they want him for something too. Is he supposed to be the hero that'll save their world? Bad luck to them, then, to decide their hero should be called Natsuki Subaru.

There. They're calling him again but he can't answer. He won't. He's spent too long ignoring such calls and they began with his classmates and parents and teachers and… well, his parents are still there, but shadows have replaced the rest.

He wonders when his parents will disappear as well. And whether the shadows will grow further or disappear as well. They'll probably grow more. He can't seem to get rid of them. Can't avoid them. Can't lock them out. They fill the empty spaces left by all the other whisperers and maybe that means the shadows will stick around as well. But they weren't always there so the shadows might get bored as well, or maybe something kind and silver and warm will come along and banish the shadows and maybe some part of him is waiting and hoping for that outcome, however low the odds of it occurring may be.

Or maybe he's just waiting for the blissful blindness and deafness he'd once enjoyed, before he heard all the extra times his name was sung like a curse.

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 **A/N:** _Will probably elaborate more on this verse at some point (especially when smashing Re:Zero fantasy world and real world together). Probably after barriers though, even if it is arguably a good excuse to go back over my psychiatry notes..._

 _And as an fyi, here's a mini-crash course in schizophrenia. Its five major symptoms are delusions (disorganised thought), hallucinations, disorganised speech, grossly disorganised or catatonic behaviour, and negative symptoms (like depression, neglect of self care etc.), and you need two or more to fulfil the criteria. The first three are the definition of psychosis, so someone having a psychotic episode needs to have at least one of those in the acute setting._

 _So in regards to this fic, Subaru is hearing voices both generally and in the acute setting so that ticks off the hallucinations (auditory hallucinations are the most common in schizophrenia). The impression of everyone thinking he's gone crazy can be considered a delusion (but it could be the truth; it's always hard to tell from a single unreliable POV and this is just as true in real life and exams). Since it's Subaru's thoughts more than anything (hence the rambling XD), didn't really touch on his behaviour in this one, but could argue neglect as well with how he stays shut in his room._

 _As for the whole crazy people lack the insight to know they're crazy - not necessarily true. Insight is often a good predictor of severity but it's not a perfect correlation, and even if they don't know the specifics, they're often aware at some level or other (need for medications, not living at home, symptoms to watch out for, why they need regular checks with GPs or allied health etc.)_


End file.
